Another Episode

This website is called Feelings in Food. Mostly I write about food and lighthearted things like my honeymoon, but it’s time I explore the nitty-gritty of the other side, the feelings.

Writing this is hard because being vulnerable is hard. The last few days are the lowest that I have felt in a long time. Waking up this morning was so difficult; I awoke feeling physically sick. It’s a familiar sick feeling that comes around every so often. The symptoms are present and painful. My whole body aches, I cry uncontrollably, swallowing is difficult, and my head and heart feel heavy. I start to think of life without me in this world. Would it be better off? Am I just this horrible person raised by horrible people in a horrible world?

Then I go on my phone to take my mind off of these scary thoughts. I look at the news and immediately feel worse. The world is corrupt, it is in plain sight of regular people, yet nothing is being done. I feel as though the world is in crisis and I am yelling, screaming, and pleading for people to look. I imagine I am in a crowded place, I am in the middle of the crowd begging for assistance. PLEASE HELP, THE WORLD IS ENDING. Yet people are not hearing me, they look at me and walk right by, as if they can’t hear me. They ignore me as if I’m crazy. This is a recurring nightmare I have a few times a month. I am lost in a sea of people and have no voice.

So I get off my phone and decide to shovel the snowy driveway. Take out some aggression. Tears streaming down my face thinking about negative past experiences, aggressively shoveling snow as if I was digging to find peace. After an hour, I look at my accomplishment and finally feel the first positive feeling I’ve felt all day; triumph. My flabby little body just completed a physical project. Go me.

On days like today, those positive feelings don’t last. The second I walked inside, I got a charley horse taking off my boot. I yelped in pain. So much for feeling in shape for a moment. My body took me down pretty quickly and said, “sorry you’re too happy, let’s take you back down.” I stumbled over to the couch, limping from muscle pain.

Back to crying. Back to feeling not good enough. Back to hating myself. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I be devoid of emotions? Why does this dark cloud have to come upon me at times I least expect it? Why does every thought that pops into my head have to be negative? Why do I tell myself that I’m worthless, why do I constantly feel like I’m not good enough? Why do I have this unrealistic idea of perfection in life?

Then I start to think, maybe I should go back to therapy. Maybe I should start to work out these issues again with the therapist I trust. The only problem is she dismissed me from therapy. She said I was better and she didn’t need weekly sessions with me anymore. I was improving. I feel weak going back, like I’ve regressed as a person. I’m not okay anymore, and it’s really hard to admit that.

Sleeping is my number one issue in my life. No matter if I’m having an episode or not, I can’t fall asleep at night. The second I lay in the dark, on my pillow, my mind races back to my childhood and how I can’t forgive certain people for certain things. I think about all the plans I have coming up, and every single scenario that could go wrong during said plans. I come up with every possible negative outcome just so that when it happens, I am mentally prepared. I want to be able to say, “I knew it. I told you so.” And who is that helping? It’s certainly not helping me, and yet I do it constantly. If I think of all the bad, I won’t be so disappointed when something does go bad. It’s like a compulsion. Going on vacation? Maybe we’ll die on the way there. Maybe I’ll be in the most relaxing moment of my life and I’ll get a phone call that someone I love is gone. Maybe there will be some kind of attack. Driving to work? Maybe I’ll get hit by a car. Maybe I’ll be a part of a pile-up. People drive aggressively around me and I get anxious just commuting to work. Eating a meal by myself at home? Maybe I’ll choke and won’t get help in time. I’d say on a given day my brain is 80% negative to 20% positive. And that is exacerbated at nighttime. It also doesn’t help that my husband sleeps like an angel and is snoring seconds after hitting the pillow. Why can’t I just shut my brain off and do the same? Why can’t I just LIVE?

My husband is the one that’s there for me. He’s the one keeping me sane. He cares for me and lets me know how he loves and appreciates me. I was losing it after shoveling and texted him at work that I was starting to go under. He said do some self care. Play The Sims, which is my typical outlet. Build a family and a life that is perfect, so opposite to the real world. He said when all else fails, write about it. Write your feelings down. After all, your website is called Feelings in Food. Sure this blog post is not about food, but it has everything to do with feelings.

So here I am, bearing my soul, letting it all out, and hoping it doesn’t come back in. Depression is a bitch, but I’m not alone, and you’re not either. Anxiety isn’t something that you should just get used to. It’s not who you are. There’s a way to rewire your brain to be more positive and curb anxious thoughts. Today has been hard, let’s not diminish that. Happier times will come. I just need to get there. And I will. And you will too.

Special thank you to RawBeautyKristi on YouTube for sharing her anxiety and health struggles. You inspired me to come out and lay it all on the line. You are the first person to describe what anxiety feels like and have it make sense to me. You are an amazing creator and I enjoy watching all your beauty and home renovation videos. But if you need to take time for yourself now, your fans will wait. Your well-being is more important than content. Thank you for being you.

Link to her video here.

41 thoughts on “Another Episode

  1. Pretty great post. I simply stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to mention that I have truly loved surfing around your blog posts.

    After all I will be subscribing in your rss feed and I’m hoping you write once
    more very soon!

  2. That is the right blog for anyone who wants to search out out about this topic. You notice a lot its almost exhausting to argue with you (not that I really would need匟aHa). You positively put a brand new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Nice stuff, just nice!

  3. I used to be very pleased to find this net-site.I wanted to thanks on your time for this wonderful read!! I definitely enjoying every little little bit of it and I’ve you bookmarked to check out new stuff you blog post.

  4. I抦 impressed, I have to say. Really hardly ever do I encounter a weblog that抯 each educative and entertaining, and let me let you know, you’ve hit the nail on the head. Your idea is excellent; the issue is one thing that not sufficient people are speaking intelligently about. I’m very happy that I stumbled throughout this in my seek for one thing relating to this.

  5. I discovered your blog site on google and test just a few of your early posts. Continue to maintain up the excellent operate. I simply extra up your RSS feed to my MSN News Reader. Looking for forward to reading extra from you afterward!?

    1. Thank you! I do guests post by request! Send me an email on my contact page if you are serious about it 🙂

  6. An interesting dialogue is price comment. I feel that you need to write extra on this matter, it won’t be a taboo subject however usually individuals are not sufficient to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers

  7. I would like to express my respect for your generosity giving support to folks that have the need for assistance with this particular topic. Your real dedication to getting the solution around ended up being unbelievably practical and has really enabled individuals much like me to achieve their dreams. Your entire insightful advice indicates this much to me and somewhat more to my peers. Thanks a lot; from each one of us.

    1. This is the best comment ever. Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s helping people that makes bearing your soul worth it 🙂

  8. I wish to show some appreciation to you just for rescuing me from this incident. As a result of searching throughout the the net and getting ways which are not pleasant, I believed my entire life was done. Living devoid of the solutions to the problems you have sorted out by means of the short article is a crucial case, and those which could have adversely affected my career if I hadn’t come across your website. Your good ability and kindness in dealing with every aspect was invaluable. I’m not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t come across such a point like this. I can also now relish my future. Thank you very much for this expert and result oriented guide. I will not be reluctant to recommend your web sites to anybody who would need guidelines on this problem.

    1. Your comment means so much. You are a strong person who deserves happiness in this life. Thank you for reading 🙂

  9. I must show my affection for your generosity in support of those people who really need guidance on your question. Your very own commitment to passing the solution across had been rather productive and has in most cases helped men and women like me to arrive at their dreams. Your new useful help and advice entails a lot to me and extremely more to my mates. Best wishes; from all of us.

  10. 5 stars
    Definitely believe that that you stated. Your favorite reason seemed to be on the internet the simplest factor
    to keep in mind of. I say to you, I definitely get irked whilst people
    consider concerns that they plainly do not recognize about.
    You controlled to hit the nail upon the top as smartly as outlined out
    the whole thing with no need side-effects , people can take a signal.

    Will likely be back to get more. Thank you

  11. I want to express my thanks to this writer for bailing me out of such a scenario. As a result of researching throughout the online world and getting suggestions which are not pleasant, I believed my entire life was well over. Being alive minus the solutions to the issues you have solved as a result of this review is a critical case, and ones that might have in a wrong way affected my career if I hadn’t discovered your site. Your personal natural talent and kindness in maneuvering everything was precious. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not encountered such a solution like this. It’s possible to at this moment relish my future. Thank you so much for your impressive and effective guide. I won’t think twice to recommend your web sites to anybody who desires recommendations about this situation.

  12. I am glad for writing to let you be aware of of the terrific encounter my princess developed going through your webblog. She came to understand numerous issues, which included what it is like to possess an ideal teaching spirit to get other individuals without difficulty know certain complex matters. You really surpassed her expected results. Many thanks for rendering the helpful, dependable, educational and as well as unique tips on this topic to Gloria.

  13. Needed to put you a little bit of word to be able to thank you very much again for all the pleasant suggestions you’ve featured on this page. It was certainly remarkably open-handed with you to present easily just what most of us would have made available as an electronic book to help make some dough for themselves, even more so considering the fact that you could have done it if you ever wanted. The principles in addition worked to become great way to know that other people online have the same dreams much like mine to know a little more around this problem. I’m sure there are many more pleasurable times up front for individuals who browse through your website.

  14. I wish to express some appreciation to you just for bailing me out of such a challenge. Because of scouting through the the web and obtaining thoughts that were not beneficial, I believed my entire life was gone. Living minus the solutions to the problems you have solved by way of your article content is a serious case, as well as the ones which could have in a negative way affected my career if I hadn’t encountered your blog. Your own understanding and kindness in touching every aspect was excellent. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t come across such a thing like this. I am able to at this time relish my future. Thanks for your time very much for this reliable and amazing help. I will not think twice to endorse your web page to any person who needs counselling on this issue.

  15. I am just commenting to make you understand of the awesome discovery my cousin’s princess found browsing your site. She even learned plenty of details, including how it is like to have an awesome coaching nature to make many more quite simply know just exactly certain specialized issues. You truly exceeded my expected results. Thank you for churning out such beneficial, dependable, informative and even cool tips on that topic to Ethel.

  16. I simply wanted to thank you so much once more. I do not know what I could possibly have gone through in the absence of the type of methods shown by you over that theme. Previously it was the scary matter in my circumstances, nevertheless observing this specialised avenue you handled it made me to leap over contentment. Now i am thankful for the service and then believe you realize what a great job your are doing teaching many others using a blog. Most likely you’ve never met all of us.

  17. Thank you so much for giving everyone an extremely special chance to discover important secrets from this web site. It is often so amazing and also full of amusement for me personally and my office peers to search your website more than thrice a week to read the newest issues you have. And indeed, I’m so always motivated for the mind-blowing pointers you serve. Certain 4 facts in this post are rather the most beneficial I have had.

  18. My spouse and i felt quite cheerful that Albert could deal with his studies while using the precious recommendations he came across from your very own web pages. It is now and again perplexing to simply be handing out ideas which usually people might have been selling. And we keep in mind we have got the writer to give thanks to because of that. The explanations you’ve made, the easy site navigation, the friendships you make it easier to create – it’s got many terrific, and it is letting our son in addition to us understand that issue is exciting, which is rather serious. Many thanks for all the pieces!

  19. I am only writing to make you know of the awesome discovery my girl undergone browsing your site. She realized several pieces, not to mention what it’s like to possess an incredible teaching style to make other folks very easily grasp specific advanced topics. You undoubtedly exceeded readers’ desires. Many thanks for coming up with these precious, dependable, edifying and also cool tips about that topic to Tanya.

  20. I would like to voice my affection for your kindness for women who need help with this important matter. Your special dedication to passing the message all-around appears to be certainly informative and has surely helped those much like me to realize their dreams. Your own helpful help and advice entails this much to me and further more to my fellow workers. Thanks a lot; from all of us.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *