This website is called Feelings in Food. Mostly I write about food and lighthearted things like my honeymoon, but it’s time I explore the nitty-gritty of the other side, the feelings.
Writing this is hard because being vulnerable is hard. The last few days are the lowest that I have felt in a long time. Waking up this morning was so difficult; I awoke feeling physically sick. It’s a familiar sick feeling that comes around every so often. The symptoms are present and painful. My whole body aches, I cry uncontrollably, swallowing is difficult, and my head and heart feel heavy. I start to think of life without me in this world. Would it be better off? Am I just this horrible person raised by horrible people in a horrible world?
Then I go on my phone to take my mind off of these scary thoughts. I look at the news and immediately feel worse. The world is corrupt, it is in plain sight of regular people, yet nothing is being done. I feel as though the world is in crisis and I am yelling, screaming, and pleading for people to look. I imagine I am in a crowded place, I am in the middle of the crowd begging for assistance. PLEASE HELP, THE WORLD IS ENDING. Yet people are not hearing me, they look at me and walk right by, as if they can’t hear me. They ignore me as if I’m crazy. This is a recurring nightmare I have a few times a month. I am lost in a sea of people and have no voice.
So I get off my phone and decide to shovel the snowy driveway. Take out some aggression. Tears streaming down my face thinking about negative past experiences, aggressively shoveling snow as if I was digging to find peace. After an hour, I look at my accomplishment and finally feel the first positive feeling I’ve felt all day; triumph. My flabby little body just completed a physical project. Go me.
On days like today, those positive feelings don’t last. The second I walked inside, I got a charley horse taking off my boot. I yelped in pain. So much for feeling in shape for a moment. My body took me down pretty quickly and said, “sorry you’re too happy, let’s take you back down.” I stumbled over to the couch, limping from muscle pain.
Back to crying. Back to feeling not good enough. Back to hating myself. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I be devoid of emotions? Why does this dark cloud have to come upon me at times I least expect it? Why does every thought that pops into my head have to be negative? Why do I tell myself that I’m worthless, why do I constantly feel like I’m not good enough? Why do I have this unrealistic idea of perfection in life?
Then I start to think, maybe I should go back to therapy. Maybe I should start to work out these issues again with the therapist I trust. The only problem is she dismissed me from therapy. She said I was better and she didn’t need weekly sessions with me anymore. I was improving. I feel weak going back, like I’ve regressed as a person. I’m not okay anymore, and it’s really hard to admit that.
Sleeping is my number one issue in my life. No matter if I’m having an episode or not, I can’t fall asleep at night. The second I lay in the dark, on my pillow, my mind races back to my childhood and how I can’t forgive certain people for certain things. I think about all the plans I have coming up, and every single scenario that could go wrong during said plans. I come up with every possible negative outcome just so that when it happens, I am mentally prepared. I want to be able to say, “I knew it. I told you so.” And who is that helping? It’s certainly not helping me, and yet I do it constantly. If I think of all the bad, I won’t be so disappointed when something does go bad. It’s like a compulsion. Going on vacation? Maybe we’ll die on the way there. Maybe I’ll be in the most relaxing moment of my life and I’ll get a phone call that someone I love is gone. Maybe there will be some kind of attack. Driving to work? Maybe I’ll get hit by a car. Maybe I’ll be a part of a pile-up. People drive aggressively around me and I get anxious just commuting to work. Eating a meal by myself at home? Maybe I’ll choke and won’t get help in time. I’d say on a given day my brain is 80% negative to 20% positive. And that is exacerbated at nighttime. It also doesn’t help that my husband sleeps like an angel and is snoring seconds after hitting the pillow. Why can’t I just shut my brain off and do the same? Why can’t I just LIVE?
My husband is the one that’s there for me. He’s the one keeping me sane. He cares for me and lets me know how he loves and appreciates me. I was losing it after shoveling and texted him at work that I was starting to go under. He said do some self care. Play The Sims, which is my typical outlet. Build a family and a life that is perfect, so opposite to the real world. He said when all else fails, write about it. Write your feelings down. After all, your website is called Feelings in Food. Sure this blog post is not about food, but it has everything to do with feelings.
So here I am, bearing my soul, letting it all out, and hoping it doesn’t come back in. Depression is a bitch, but I’m not alone, and you’re not either. Anxiety isn’t something that you should just get used to. It’s not who you are. There’s a way to rewire your brain to be more positive and curb anxious thoughts. Today has been hard, let’s not diminish that. Happier times will come. I just need to get there. And I will. And you will too.
Special thank you to RawBeautyKristi on YouTube for sharing her anxiety and health struggles. You inspired me to come out and lay it all on the line. You are the first person to describe what anxiety feels like and have it make sense to me. You are an amazing creator and I enjoy watching all your beauty and home renovation videos. But if you need to take time for yourself now, your fans will wait. Your well-being is more important than content. Thank you for being you.